PMDD & Endometriosis - Harder to Explain than Live With Sometimes

I am going to preface this blog post with this warning.  Herein I will be discussing menses and disorders that effect women due to hormonal changes or biological issues from menstruation.  If you are uncomfortable with the discussion of menses or "female issues" I would encourage you to return another day.  Love!

Last week into today has reminded me how blessed I am to have a spouse that understands me and my medical issues and is willing to work with me through very difficult recurring issues.  Things I have very little control over and have major disruptive activity in our life and in our relationship.  The reality of the everyday widespread pain from Fibromyalgia is actually an easier pill to swallow on most days than the "insanity" that comes "once a month".  As a little bit of background I'll explain the two menstrual based issues.

PMDD, or premenstrual dysphoric disorder, is so much more more than bloating and cramping before a period. It is also not to be confused with PMS, which can best be described as it's family member once removed.  PMS gets a bad rap in comedy, society, and even among women,but it is generally acknowledged as a reality.  PMDD is still completely misunderstood on multiple levels, to the point that most sufferers are considered to be "making it up" or being "melodramatic" by friends, family, and even themselves.  PMDD is a mood disorder that accompanies other premenstrual symptoms; PMDD gets more severe as the period draws near.  Some debate exists about the timeline of affect but it is not a constant "everyday" issue, but one that repeats itself cyclically.  Symptoms usually begin after ovulation and last into the first days of the period.  Most sufferers report issues of very high tension, anxiety and aggression. Other existing mood disorders are enhanced.  The condition affects up to 8 percent of women.

Most women, myself included, are able to go back to a normal state of feeling after the onset of menstruation, mine is always tied in with my moods until the second or third day of my period and then I actually return to my normal moods, save the pain from endometriosis.

Personally, I suffer from the following symptoms:

• Depression w/ hopeless feelings
• Feelings of anxiousness, tension or edge
• Irritability that increases as period nears (for me usually tapering off after the 3rd day)
• Lack of interest in favorite things
• No motivation
• Difficulty focusing and concentrating
• Loss of control feelings, feeling overwhelmed
• Suicidal thoughts
• Severe physical manifestation of PMS symptoms like tender breasts, cramping, and bloating

On top of this I also have endometriosis which is a painful disorder in which tissue, endometrium, that normally lines the inside of your uterus grows outside your uterus. Endometriosis usually involves the ovaries, bowel or pelvic tissues.  With endometriosis, the "displaced" endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would, thickening, breaking down and bleeding with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit the body, it becomes trapped.  Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and abnormal tissue called adhesions.

I'll list the symptoms I suffer from:

• Painful periods (dysmenorrhea). Pelvic pain and cramping may begin before and extend several days into your period and may include lower back and abdominal pain.
• Pain with bowel movements or urination. You're most likely to experience these symptoms during your period.
• Excessive bleeding. You may experience occasional heavy periods (menorrhagia) or bleeding between periods (menometrorrhagia).
• Infertility. Endometriosis is first diagnosed in some women who are seeking treatment for infertility.
• Other symptoms. You may also experience fatigue, diarrhea, constipation, bloating or nausea, especially during menstrual periods.

You might read this and say "So...you're in constant pain" or "Wow, you're a wuss" and actually both would be incorrect.  There are some times I am actually "asymptomatic" but those days are very few and far between and I cannot remember the last time the days were consecutive.  My specialists and I have conversed about these two menstrual based issues in addition to my almost every day Fibromyalgia pain.  We have discussed the realities of what my mind can handle on a regular basis and their overwhelming statement has been to avoid stress and to try to step back, to rest, when I need to.  You might not be surprised to find that I suck at stepping back in enough time to catch myself before collapsing in a pile of pain or in a massive depression (or even anxiety).

I live every day to my best and try to be positive and happy but their are some days where I won't win that fight.  Today and really this week (starting with Sunday) have been that point for me and while I know a lot of my responses to things are abnormal or even "overwhelmed" I have to react to them to the best of my ability and interact with the world and my own emotions in the best way possible.  I can say that almost breaking down crying several times today from stress and frustration has been a plentiful reminder to step back.

I know I post about my personal medical issues more than most would wish to discuss, but I honestly think it needs to be said.  Otherwise the guilt that I and other women feel for actually being depressed or irritable or unable to move, exist during our menstrual cycle will continue being a "joke" and not a recognized issues that really does cause a lot of sufferers to suffer in silence until they say or do something about it, oftentimes the "do something" is not a desirable outcome as it can manifest as cutting, self-harm, and suicide.

David and I handle the issues as they happen and he has gotten wonderful at understanding that certain time-frames in the month usually mean I will rage for very small issues and that I will break down crying for "no reason" or that I will probably spend insane amounts of time in the bathroom, need to have an extra sleep pad on the bed, or that I might scream in mind-bending pain and that he can ask how I am but busting into the bathroom to check if I am OK is probably unnecessary.  These things are our reality and I am beyond blessed that I have a partner that understands this and works to help me.  That does not stop me from apologizing for being a burden, for crying, for raging, for being so massively depressed I cannot get out of bed, for just being unreasonable.  I will always apologize for them because I do not want to be a burden, I don't want to be that uncontrollable ball of emotion, I do not want to be the screaming virago that cannot control their emotions/rage.  I will, however, NOT remain silent about what I am going through.  I have been shamed enough in my life about the fact that I am too masculine/feminine, too fat/skinny/stacked, too loud/quiet...too...I will not be quiet about the times when I bleed so excessively that it "looks like a scene from Dexter" or that I screamed in pain so bad that I made my roommates come running to the closed bathroom door or that I have thought of suicide when I felt hopeless and aimless right before my period or...that I get depressed every time someone asks me "when I am having children"...

I will not be silent because too many people are and I have a voice to tell people that what I am feeling or what I am experiencing is not "in my head" or due to "hysterics" but because I have two medical issues linked to my menstruation and it is, at times, debilitating and humiliating.  I won't be silent because I may feel shame for some things but I will not be shamed for being honest.

When the Religion "Scholar" Watches Penny Dreadful...(and then Stigmata)

So I put "scholar" in quotes because I don't count as much more than a dabbler who has happened to study religions since she was young, somewhat officially unofficial.  I love studying religions, religious/spiritual philosophy, and world mythos.  In doing so, I see a lot of religious statements or references in different media.  Obviously watching shows with obvious religious connection or references causes this to be very directed.  I sit and talk to David and he puts up with me as I go on and on about how beautiful something is, about how gorgeous a vision/expression of faith is.

We're watching Penny Dreadful and there are several moments in the show were the religion dabbler in me goes "HEY!  That was so cool!"  Well, when we were watching a scene with Eva Green's character being possessed, David and I were debating some of the significance of scenes.  Especially near the end of the show's first season there are moments that REALLY resound with me and I look at it with this huge grin and excitedly point at the screen and giggle.

I like looking at things in a spiritually optimistic light, finding "grace" in even a dark moment.  So watching Penny Dreadful with some very heavy religious moments and then the HOLY WOW religious statements being made in Stigmata, I am a happy bunny.  I see happiness in acts of faith and believe things most people find depressing have a beautiful side.  David and I differ on which version of Stigmata we like and it definitely ties into our views of things "faithful" and "earthly".  No worries though, we both respect each others views and love and celebrate our difference of opinions.

Of course, in my usual fashion I am watching this with a cup of tea.  I ended up having two different teas actually.  One was a +Tealated tea called "Cream of White Coconut".  It is delectable with light sweet tropical taste that compliments the delicacy of white tea.  I think this is definitely a "dessert tea".  I really liked it and I am definitely going to order some from them.  I ended up re-steeping it and the taste held up well.

Next I had a cup of "Pascoe's Woodlands" from +Teabox.  It is a nice green tea with citrus and basil.  The mix of the vegetal taste of green tea with the hints of citrus and spice/crispness of basil makes for a tasty cup.  I am definitely a fan.  Even as my tea was cooled it tasted good and I very much enjoyed it.  I think it is a good non-infused or artificial green tea that any one, regular tea drinker or first timer, could enjoy.

So this was my evening.  I also had a delicious JASMINE OOLONG from +Tea Ave during the day.  I was very happy to have this tea today and it was nice that I could enjoy a tea after having to be poked and prodded in my dentist appointment.  Sadly my medicine causes me to have bleeding issues in my gums.  There is nothing wrong with my bones or teeth but my gums bleed and are easily irritated.  My dentist ordered a consult with a gum specialist and he thinks it is my fibro meds.  Nothing to be done about it but be careful to brush and floss, though my dentist is also very proud of me for how healthy my teeth are.

So...remember happy thoughts tonight, I leave you with part of a Lawrence Welk Show song that my Aunt Marie used to sing to me:

"Good night, sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you
Here's a wish and a prayer that every dream comes true
And now 'til we meet again
Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen
Good Night!"

It's 101 Dalamations...If By Dalmations I Mean Blog Entries

YAY!!  I have as of March 30, 2015 reached 100 blog entries, so today March 31, 2015 makes it 101!  I think 101 is more interesting, because just like the movie about the dalmatians, it isn't amazing until there are 101.

Sadly, this is also the day that my Endo decided to just flip-the-heck-out and kick me in the uterus, so my 101st blog post won't likely be a long one or filled with some grand epiphany.  I've been musing again recently and feeling poetic, so I am working on a poem in support of TDOV or Trans Day of Visibility.  I will post it as soon as a draft becomes coherent (or at least makes sense to my messed up mind).

While at work today I got to enjoy Blue Lady Black from +Zest Tea, which was (as always) delicious and wonderful.  Thank goodness for it and the caffeine or I would have been far more challenged today than necessary.  I swear to the heavens I have been wanting to just throw papers into the air and walk out but I do still love my job...despite having days I hate.  The Blue Lady Black tea got me on the go and tasted great with the citrus notes.

I had a lot of work to do to make up for the fact that we are now down on staff.  I thought Brad was going to rage quit today and I really wouldn't have blamed him but I really was/am not in the mood to fight at this point so I told him to do what he thought was best.  I appreciate the work he is doing and the work that Jen did but that doesn't make me want to beg since I have also been asked to work with low resources and "pull together" even when I thought it was overburdened and unfair.

I did some spring cleaning yesterday and that seems to have made my desk a little more user friendly for the added work that I'm getting now.  I have a ton of tulips, mini daffodils, and mums at my desk in addition to the other plants I already had.  This is a nice addition too since drinking tea and flowers seems to be the highlight of my days at this moment.  Not to worry though, I know things will get better, I just have to weather the storm.  OR I find myself another job, but in the meantime I need to live with the situation I have and make the best of it.

Near the end of the day I had some tea from +Rishi Tea called Jade Cloud Oolong, it was in my March delivery of the +Steepster Select club.  It was good but I am not a fan of the "grassy" smell or taste of some green teas and this sadly had those qualities.  It wasn't bad and I would say that it was something that I could get over but I make a lot of my eating and drinking decisions from scent and first taste and sadly this wasn't a favorite.  Oh well, it has to happen some times.  I would definitely say it was a solid tea though.

So this was my semi-uneventful 101st post.  I truly hope to have several hundred more.  Maybe I should think of something clever to do for the 202nd post.  Maybe a contest or a crazy video montage?  Maybe a vlog post...though I am not very video friendly.

Because I found this clip interesting and it's the 101st post, I am including a partial episode of "How It's Made - Tea" from Discovery Channel (all rights and credit to Discovery Channel and How It's Made)

Cthulhu & Mage Go To Boston (and Salem)

 So David and I (as well as Cthulhu, Mage, and Padfoot) went to Boston for the weekend to see Mitzie and Eric.  We ended up seeing several other people, not everyone we would have hoped but there is only so much you can do in such a limited amount of time.  We originally had an awesome idea of getting up there mid afternoon but the traffic in Connecticut was HORRIBLE.  so instead of getting there mid afternoon we ended up not getting to Boston until later into the evening.

David was exhausted and due to the stress of the drive I ended up having some horribly painful fibro spikes that made me feel like someone was chiseling into my spine and legs.  Thankfully Mitzie and Eric are wonderful and they had some tea set out for when we got there.  I had some tasty Peach Fairy from Virtuous Teas.

If you've never been to Boston, you may have not seen the statue I have two photos of here...that is the Johnny Kelley statue near Newton's city hall.  He competed in the Boston Marathon 60+ times.  He was also named the "Runner of the Century" (honestly cannot remember who dubbed him that though).  Anyway, the reason it is included is because we were going down Comm Ave (Commonwealth Ave for those of you that don't know) and the statue had bunny ears on the figures and each had Easter baskets!  It was hilarious!  Sadly the photo I took was from the stoplight and there was too much traffic on Walnut to get a good shot.  I had to share though.

We ended up having a nice dinner at Little India in Waltham.  I had Darjeeling tea (which they almost forgot to give me) and a delicious Lamb Korma.  

We just relaxed and had a nice meal, Eric risked it and had Vindaloo which was spicy but I guess not too horrible.  I just wanted comfort food so the Korma hit the spot.

I was happy and went to sleep and slept well..the sleep of a girl who stressed out as the passenger.  David also fell asleep like he had been through a stressful battle.

I had really wanted to go to Salem and go tea shopping while we were up in the Boston area, we ended up being able to go to Salem and visit with Sean and Samara while we were up there.  We went to Gulu Gulu Cafe for "brunch".  I had a delicious chai (they call it a chai latte but since that's redundant I thought I would just call it what it was) followed by a very tasty Blue Flower Earl Grey.

I ordered a Patsy's Breakfast "Burger".  It was a tasty egg with portabella mushroom sandwich with spinach and cheese on bun of choice.  I chose an Everything Bagel of course.

 It was snowing out (yes...it is apparently spring) but Sean and Samara were awesome enough to trek across the common to join us.  So Tammi, E, Mitzie, David and I chatted with them and got to spend a nice time.  David and I had not been to Sean and Samara's apartment before - it is GORGEOUS!  Pugsley and Wednesday (their ADORABLE kittens) were so darned cute!  It was so wonderful to spend time with them before they had to run to a wedding (Congrats to the Roberges!)

I wanted to go be my cute pagan self and so Mitz and I went all over town enjoying a wonderful day looking for statuary, ritual items, herbs, etc.  There were a few moments in the day that weren't so awesome (most of which being the cold rain/snow/slush) but honestly we spent an amazing day with our friends.  Walt came over to Mitzie and E's apartment and we played Apples to Apples.  I WON!!  After the day I was not doing so hot... I was exhausted and started to shake and have temperature regulation issues.  Everyone was wonderful and put up with me as they piled blankets on me and put a heat pad on me.  I started to feel better after some food and a lot of blankets.  It was also the wonderful feeling of having friends with us.

We drove home midday on Sunday.  It is always hard to leave Boston, since David and I really love the city but most importantly we love our friends.  I am back to looking into work in Massachusetts (western or boston area would be great).  Speaking of that - if anyone knows of any recruiters or headhunters for professionals, please let me know.  I am going to need help finding leads if we are going to move back to Mass.