(sorry all - no tea...just therapeutic sharing)
Last month David and I went to an AGB event and I was in pain, got overheated, and had been having negative mental consequences from everything involved with fibro. I was pushing myself because I didn't want to be "that girl" who falls back on her illness and cannot just push through it. I have been trying not to admit when I have been pushing too hard and it all seemed to pile up at game. This isn't the first LARP event in the hot weather that has taken me out of commission for a few days but this was one of the worse ones. In among the pain I also get very depressed, not because of anything but my already crap self-image and then being conscious of being a burden or a drag. I had a pretty bad episode of fibro fog at one point during the day and got caught up in the emotions of my character when in the midst of trying to sleep off some of the worst effects...I failed at staying down and actually "in-game" lost my cool. After losing it, I immediately got sick and had I been eating properly probably would have vacated my stomach contents.
I've been trying to figure out how to be more self reliant and more capable but it seems that I am losing what little ground I have gained in dealing with my symptoms. I actually can drive a little by myself now and even managed a night drive home from my moms the other day but little things like walking in a straight line, stepping up or down stairs, opening a screw-top lid, or staying active for more than a few hours at a time seem to be deficiencies.
Tonight my emotions got the better of me and I just broke down crying. David had been trying to work with me to figure out a healthier way to participate in the things I love to do and actually manage to have friends beyond a few. I was lamenting the fact that I wanted certain people, who I think are pretty awesome, to actually like me...and I wanted to figure out what I was doing wrong. This led to a discussion about me being better about balancing my feel-good and feel-crap moments so I am not collapsing or being completely worn out right in front of people. David was being wonderful and caring and trying to help...but all I could hear was my own fears and criticisms about being worthless. He didn't realize until about part way through explaining an issue, that I had completely taken a left turn back at the beginning and was quickly speeding off an emotional cliff. So when he caught me mid-cry...it just made the dam break. I had an emotionally exhausted cry and admitted to my darker thoughts and concerns in my despair from being "a broken doll".
I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of having to take naps all the time. Of having to break up my "off-work" days into smaller segments of activity. I hate having to let friends down because my ability to move or handle life is impaired. I am angry at having to cancel plans to see family because I got sick from a completely idiotic stress moment at work. And most of all I am sick of being handled like I will break at any second...and when people don't handle carefully...actually breaking. It's infuriating and depressing - there is no other way to say it. My ability to focus is out the window with fibro fog affecting my brain. I have been trying to keep active and work out in short bursts but I HATE my body and I feel horribly ugly. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how my husband looks at me without being ill. I try to stay calm and collected at work but my ability to cope with stress and frustration is completely poured into getting out of bed and functioning like a human being that I don't have a ton of spoons to dedicate to not overtaxing myself.
Today is not a good day. Today was a day of ruined plans and crying. Today was a day that my headaches got worse and not better. Today was pretty low in the emotional stability department. Today I cried not just for me but for the cost of dealing with me, of caring for me, to someone I love with my whole being. Today I had dark thoughts. Today I hugged my husband. Today I tried to put things and feelings into words, to try to name the demon of pain that is warping my emotions. Today I told my husband that I love him. Today I tried to be the best person I could be. Today I tried to be a good friend. Today I prayed for a friend who is in the hospital. Today I cried for someone else. Today my fibro kicked my ass but today I kept trying anyway. Today was not a good day but I hope and I will try
for a better tomorrow.
for a better tomorrow.
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