Poetry Is A Therapy - "A Spectre of an Other Me"

Spectre of an Other Me

I am always looking at a different version of myself
The ghost of the girl who ran and jumped who played with scrapes on her knees
The same girl who bled, sweat, and lived her sports with her whole being
A girl who never saw her own worth and who saw only flaws
I see that girl in my mind and my body remembers when pain was able to be traced
when she knew the origin of bruises and slept like a babe
I see a girl who was unafraid of competition on the field but
couldn’t imagine competing within her own species
I see a woman covered in bruises and pain and scars, so many scars
lacking the ability to cry because the shock is still so heavy
I see a woman who drank her esteem and lost sight of herself
This woman picked herself up with the help of others and started to see a person
she once knew and recognized from another life
Pain from inside, pain from outside, untraceable and unknown caused the woman
to hate the new her and long for the girl who didn’t need pills to be healthy
This new woman is different than the one before, she is still haunted by this spectre
but she is slowly wiping away the soot of burned dreams and ideals
She is remembering that her former self was unsure and insecure
The spectre of the past Other is just as beautiful as the current
and the body that has walked through the trial fires is beautiful for all its scars and
imperfections, they make up the Me
Shedding the weight of pills that did more harm than good and the hatred of
a body that felt like a prison and not a cocoon; finally I am seeing the latter.
Soon, not yet, I will bid adieu to the shade of an other me
and emerge from this metamorphosis into a woman whole, beaten by winds of change
altered by the erosion of self-hatred and the shifting plates of the image shell that
no longer defines my self.
I am always looking at a different version of myself; and I am beginning to like who I see

**I wrote this poem over a cup of tea, after reflecting on the benefit of living a better life, being a better me, and being happy and safe.  I can only thank my family, friends, and especially because he is my family and friend - David.  But I need to remember that no one else lived my life and I need to thank myself too.  So thank you me for keeping going and coming to a place where happiness IS**