Yes Virginia, Social Anxiety Disorder Really Does Exist...

Like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus...

No really, I swear sometimes I expect people to tell me that my Social Anxiety is all a figment of my overactive imagination and I could get over it if I just stop believing it.  While I do understand that my Social Anxiety is a psychological issue...it is not "made up", I am not just shy, and it won't simply cure itself if I think positively enough.  Believe me when I say that I have tried to be positive and even face my fear at every opportunity but it does not cure me of the issue.  I have gotten better at managing my responses and learned how to mediate the physical side-effects of an attack but that doesn't make it go away.  My social anxiety is what is considered chronic, as it is persistent since childhood developmental stages, into adulthood and has grown.  A lot of my panic comes from being judged as unintelligent, unattractive, weak, useless, and even just existing.  I often try to explain this to people as always doubting myself so severely that I will talk myself out of speaking or even going out.  But it is more than that.  I will avoid public speaking, being seen in public, drawing any form of attention, and will relive every minute of real or imaginary blunders.  I still relive moments from the day but also events from YEARS ago.

The reason I bring this up is that I needed to do a training today.  It wasn't a big deal.  Intellectually I KNOW THIS, but I was still sick to my stomach with the thought of having to stand in front of my entire office and give this talk.  I know the subject well and could talk about it one-on-one till the cows came home, but more than one or two people and I just turn into a mess.  I prepared everything and was ready to go.  I psyched myself up last night and packed my fox for hugs this morning.  I sat down at my desk and talked myself through my statements and planned everything to the last detail so I could just stand and read my notes and present the material.

My friend Jen sat right in front of me, she knows about my social issues, and told me to focus on her so I could get through it.  I got in front of the group and smiled.  I was in theatre and speech/debate when I was in school.  Honestly enough I did both of those so I could combat my fear head-on but I would always make myself sick before and after.  I have gotten really good at standing in front of groups and looking really "put together" when I needed to but inside I feel like my heart is going to pound through my chest, my throat and mouth go dry, my stomach feels like giant weasels are about to break through, and my knees start shaking.  I stood in front of the office and gave my presentation, even fielding a question or two (which inside made my stomach hit my chin).  I barely looked at anyone in the face, mostly only my friends Monica, Brad, Marc, and Jen.  My temp rose all through the training and I was apparently bright red by the end.  You would think this would just mean I was hot and sweating normally but as soon as I was done I found myself in a cold and clammy sweat.  When the whole training was complete, I ended up sitting down on a chair to catch my breath and settle my shaking.  My boss saw me sitting and he and Marc both told me I did well, I heard them but didn't really hear it and when Jaffa seemed surprised that I really was that shaken, I actually felt horrible for making him feel bad.

Like I told him, it is part of my job and I have to do it but I also need to sit down and have some time to myself after so I can recover.  He understood and my staff all were very supportive of letting me sit at my desk for a few moments alone.  I hugged my stuffed Valentine's fox from David and read my emails, realizing after I tried to drink my tea for the third time and spilling it on myself that I was shaking and should not be bothering with hot liquid right away.  I ultimately decided to stay at work and keep working through everything even though my physiological response was nausea and my body started to respond like I was starting into a fibro flare-up.  I had calmed my nerves enough to share my triumph, as I had shared my nerves, with my Facebook and Twitter friends and felt better as the morning progressed.  I was able to drink some tea after a bit though it didn't seem to like staying put and my stomach did a reenactment of the waters that sunk the Edmund Fitzgerald.  I drank some Ginger black tea and got through the day.

My bosses both seemed happy with what I had done and both said as much.  I am happy to have the verbal affirmation because I generally don't have a positive review of my own work and constantly critique my errors, real or imagined.

I am sharing because anxiety, depression, and other "invisible" illnesses are hidden and unspoken far too often.  I have this platform so why not speak about the things in life that I and several million Americans deal with.  OK - the confessional is closed for the night.  I'm off to bed.  LOVE!